So, you have run around a lot lately, trying to lose those extra kilograms that seem to add up to your body weight even though you have cut down your calories to a measly 4900 per day. You have tried the Atkinson Diet, the Anderson (Pamela) diet [the trick here is to keep small packets of silicon at strategic locations to keep yourself free of moisture and thereby lose weight] and the I-am-going-to-keep-myself-off-margarine-till-bust diet. Not that you have had success… Which is pretty evident from the desperation which leads you to this very page. Anyway, where there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel, there is always a Random musings guide. Although it may not bring you the 700W brightness you seek, it will still make you forget the desperation you feel as you seek meaning in life.
Some images and videos to perk you up and prepare you for the barrage of technical information that is about to come your way:
What the heck does this pyramid mean anyway?
Now that you have had your guffaws, how about we move to some serious stuff? Right, on we move then. Here are some tips, in no particular order for you to finally shed something (and I am not restricting you to your weight; you can lose self-esteem, pride, fame, notoriety, the works!)
- The first step to reducing weight is to write step number one. No, seriously. You need to do this to comply with government rules on blogging. You are not allowed to have a guide which lacks stepwise instructions. Big No No!
- Second, the most important step, is to join a fitness club. Note here that I am not taking any names here, but I would want to point you in the general direction of that Talwal… thingie. You know the one; use the code Random musings and get a discount. I am all for journalistic non commitment to commercialism.
- Weigh yourself on day one and pay fees for a year’s worth of weight loss and fitness training. There, don’t you feel better already?
- Skip the gymnasium for a month.
- Return to gymnasium after a month after following the following procedure: wear the oldest, lightest clothes you have. Shave (if you are a guy, duh!) and get a hair cut. Anything that you can do without, jewelery and the like can be lost. Lose them shoelaces if you have to. All you hirsute people out there, yes you, get rid of those hairs. All of these combined will have the effect of striking of a few hundred grams off your weight.
- Continue with your diet as normal. Hey, lifting that Maharaja Burger burns a lot of calories. So does trudging to the refrigerator at 3 am in the night to feast on the ice cream. Yep, gelatos’ the way to go!
- Call up a health fanatic friend and offer to team up on your health maintenance procedure. Watch said friend work the heck out of her/himself. Extremely motivational. Do not fall in to the trap of trying to emulate said person.
- Another month later, waddle over to the nearest hospital asking them for information on liposuction.
- Despair as the hospital informs you they have stopped ordering 1000 litre FRP tanks for storing all the blubber from a single person.
- Take up a hobby. Nothing too intense. Surf the web for sites on how to lose weight by browsing sites and useless blogs. Delight in the fact that you lose a calorie for every gazillion key board strokes that you make.
- Watching pornography on the internet helps… get the drift?
- Maintain your beauty sleep. The body needs it to repair tissues, cells, muscles, etc. Too technical for you? Sleep you, dunkhead! It helps in losing calories. Period.
- Speaking of periods… Aaah… Heck, scratch that.
- I had only thirteen points of note. But did not want to end on an unlucky note. Final piece of advice, do come back to this site once in a while to check on updates and work on points 10 and 11.
If any of the above does not work for you… well, blame it on genetics and the thyroid gland. And of course, you are welcome to share some whacky weight loss tips of your own.
