Here it is then – the definitive FAQ related to Football. For all the non-soccer people of the world, the single point ready reckoner that you can refer to whenever you are in doubt about where your life is heading. Seriously! There are so many aspects of football which can be applied to real life situations such as teamwork, coaching, goal achievement, kicking, etc. I am of course, joking. The only thing about football that can be applied to real life is that its a good excuse to get out the beer & pop-corn and root for your team. Its a tradition being followed by males since ancient times, when instead of football, the “sport” being played was gladiator head hunting, with savage carnivorous beasts as the teams’ players!

Of course, sport has changed since then and males these days are more content to see other men slug it out on football grounds for a round sphere. Here is the FAQ then to remove any lingering doubts you might have about the beautiful game.

Q. Is it true that as a writer, radgovin is deeply influenced by Dave Barry and that he wantonly copies the writing style of booger humour as mastered by M/s. Barry? Does Dave Barry read this blog?

A. Shush! Don’t you know how to keep a secret?

 

Q. What is the correct technical reference to an offside? Which of the following is the correct description of an offside event: “the player was caught in an offside position” or “the player was offside”?

A. The correct description is “The referree & linesman are ‘&*^)&^^$()*’” without the quotes.

 

Q. What is the length of an average football ground? How do football grounds ensure that the grass is always green? Isn’t the “grass is always greener on the other side” a ridiculously cliched proverb for the spectators watching the football game?

A. 1. There is no such thing as an average football ground. There are miniscule football grounds and there are monolithic football grounds. The length of the ground varies from a few candelas to several million light years, depending on where you are sitting in the stands.

2. You can purchase the same grass at your local convenience store for your own lawns. Look under the section titled Grossly Expensive Carpets.

3. Not as ridiculuously contrived as “The hand that strokes the ball gives away the penalty.”

 

Q. What were you doing when Maradona scored the “Hand of God” goal?

A. I was busy wetting my diapers.

 

Q. No, seriously. I remember I was driving down the highway when I heard the news on the radio and went into delirium. The high ended with me on the low, with some twenty three cars above my car as I crashed into a parking lot at full speed. What did you experience in the five minutes following the Hand of God goal?

A. Hands on my butt, changing my diaper

 

Q. Which of the following is the correct expression: “The striker scored a goal” or “The goal was stroked in by the striker”?

A. Depending on whether the striker is in the team you support or not, the correct expression can be any one of the following:

“Yaay! We scored! Take that you sorry little (^&^%^%) I’m sure you are wishing you weren’t born you muppets!”

OR

“If I ever meet that (*%^&^$&) in a bar, I’ll personally scrutinize the chap!”

Note: Please remove brackets when using expression

 

Q. As an intelligent football fan and an avid reader of your blog, I’d like to ask you a question: Since you are a football fan yourself, why do you ridicule others of your clan?

A. I refuse to answer your question on the grounds that the species you state you belong to (intelligent football fan and an avid reader of my blog) does not exist.

 

Q. Such a species does exist. And I implore you to please answer my question! (Note use of word implore indicating above average vocabulary)

A. I like the attention I get.

 

Q. Last but not the least, are you expecting to answer any real football related questions any time soon?

A. Keep checking this site for updates. And send me any money-making tips / links that you have so that my avid readers can click on them for me to make money!

 

/radgovin